The following is a transcript of a Raised Catholic podcast episode. To listen to the episode, click here.

Today is episode 167: The Spiritual Practice of Being Wrong

Hi friends. Today I thought I’d start with a couple of stories from when I was a kid. The first one was when I was in first grade at around age 5. I used to walk to our elementary school with my sisters and a group of kids from the neighborhood, and on that approximately half-mile route, we passed a small strip mall that in the warmer weather smelled to me like French fries and in rainy weather, the puddles were full of all of these pretty rainbows. I thought it was magic, and probably even good luck. But at some point, maybe in third grade, I realized that the smell I thought was French fries was actually garbage from a nearby dumpster, and the ‘rainbows’ in the puddles were there as a result of the oil that was leeching out of that dumpster. Gross. I shudder to think about little me leaning into whatever was the source of that pollution that was making its way into our neighborhood – it was the unregulated 70s after all, but it was not magic, and it certainly wasn’t good luck. 

When I was about seven, I remember looking up into the sky on a summer day, and seeing what I thought were cells, possibly bacteria. I was an early reader and used to devour the books in our school library, and I guess around that time, I must have read a book that featured the parts of the cell. Transparent, wiggly, and featuring sort of ‘specks’ or ‘holes’, what I saw in the sky that day sure looked like paramecium to me, and I thought that indicated a very high capacity of vision on my part. Supernatural vision, maybe, but since I didn’t want to make anyone else feel bad about their ‘normal’ vision capabilities, I kept my knowledge about my ‘gift’ to myself, which I remember thinking was the right and noble thing to do. Did I mention that I was raised Catholic? Anyway, I think I was a teenager when I finally realized that what I was seeing in the sky were actually ‘floaters’ in my eyes, a sign not of supernatural seeing ability, but actually a deficiency. Oh my gosh, I just want to hug that little girl, don’t you?

As poet and author Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” But if you were born and raised Catholic, it might just be that you never learned the legit spiritual practice of being wrong, and all of the many wonderful things that can happen when we are. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found real freedom in openness to changing my mind based on new information. To listening to differing voices on political, social, and religious issues. To realize that my perspective is limited because my experience is limited. And sometimes that means admitting to being wrong. 

When we are wrong and we know we’re wrong – only then can we lay down our defenses and actually learn something that changes us or changes a relationship or a culture for the better. When we’re wrong and we know we’re wrong, only then can we apologize or try to make amends with the people that mean the most to us. When we’re wrong and know we’re wrong, only then can we grow, improve and flourish. When I realized that the source of that smell on my childhood walk to school was actually garbage, I could stop leaning into that garbage and instead, avoid it. And I wonder just how much garbage we are regularly taking in these days – in our media, on our phones, from voices we trust, without really knowing what the source of it really is? Thinking it’s French fries and rainbows when really, it’s trash. I think there’s a lot of that happening these days, don’t you?

I don’t know about you, but I was taught by example to vigorously defend myself and my positions. It’s only in this season of life that I’ve learned the truth that to err is human, meaning it’s something that all humans do. Now, that seems like the simplest of truths, I know, but I think on some unconscious level, I thought that if I worked hard enough, I could get pretty close to perfect, which was a mistake that caused quite a lot of harm both to me and to those around me. Perfectionism is a fool’s errand, and it is a guaranteed path to suffering. Humans make mistakes, so if you’re a human listening to this podcast today, it’s a sure-fire, self-evident truth that some of the things you currently believe and some of your actions past and present are, in fact, wrong. 

And I wonder, how does that feel for you to hear? 

This accusation of ‘wrongness’ used to be something that landed in my chest like a ticking time bomb. I’d want to ‘fix’ it, change it, cover it up as quickly as I could. I think differently about this today, or at least I’m working on thinking about it differently. 

With age, grace and therapy, I have realized that we all have our perspectives and reasoning behind the things we say and do. These days, when there’s a conflict, I try to circle back first with myself and God, and then with others, as I discern my best path forward. Sometimes that means apologizing. And I don’t do this perfectly, because I’m not perfect, but I aim for ‘good enough’, for owning my mistakes, giving myself grace and hopefully opening myself to learning something along the way.

Return and repair is one of the biggest gifts we can give another person. Child psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy teaches parents that when we revisit a difficult memory with a child (or any other person) and we apologize, this actually changes that memory in the brain of the child. Meaning that when this person experiences the difficult memory, they will now experience it along with the feeling of being heard and seen and valued enough for their caregiver to repair it. And as a result, they’ll more easily embody their own imperfection and become someone who will apologize, return, and repair with other people. This is why the steps in recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous include taking a fearless moral inventory, admitting the exact nature of wrongs, and making amends. Honest, humble, and action-oriented, these programs lead people toward authentic freedom in admitting their wrongs and then, doing better. These steps are probably something everyone should do because like a pebble in a pond, when we are wrong and we know it and we take ownership for it, we grow and flourish in ways that benefit us and those around us, too.

And this is why it is critically helpful when a government or a church makes a public apology, amends, and even reparations for wrongdoing, genocide, war, slavery and abuse, and it’s why it’s so tragic when these institutions refuse to take accountability for what they have done. Without an acknowledgement of offense, it can be so much more challenging to move forward.

In the Japanese art of Kintsugi, pieces of broken pottery are joined back together with a gold lacquer, and the resulting piece is thought to be even more beautiful than the original. Similarly, when we are broken, or wrong, and do our best to repair, we can find ourselves and our relationships, and even our culture, much better for it. As Leonard Cohen sang,

“Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There’s a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.”

In this time in our society and our church, many are digging in their heels, aligning with a tribe or a person or an ideology, and refusing to let in new information, so afraid of hearing another perspective, or admitting past wrongs. And that way of thinking is kind of a road to disaster, don’t you think? After all, who would want to own the same set of beliefs they had when they were 14, or 25, or 50? There’s a freedom in listening, in adjusting, in changing our minds based on new information. And that is a freedom that serves us all. 

A very wise woman taught me the practice of ‘ten mistakes a day.’ She gives herself ten mistakes a day, and so when she makes the first one, she notices it and maybe laughs to herself, and as the day goes on with more mistakes in the mix, she realizes the reality that to be human is just to be wrong sometimes, and then she simply carries on with her day. Now, ten is an arbitrary number, of course, but this practice helps us to embody that humble reality, to move away from perfectionism and defending ourselves, and to give ourselves grace when we’re wrong. It’s a practice that has been truly helpful for me, and it has the added benefit of helping me to be much more compassionate toward other people’s mistakes, too. We’re all only human after all.

And so, I’m wondering, friend, what have you been wrong about today or this week or this year, and how do you feel about that? I guess I hope that for today, you can give yourself the same grace that Jesus gives us. He who longs to embrace our messy humanity is always standing ready to forgive, and to help us to forgive each other, too. If we were more able to do that, to be softer with ourselves and our sisters and brothers, just think of what a much kinder world it could be.

Thanks so much for being with me today, friend. If you need me, you can find me on Instagram @kerrycampbellwrites, at Substack at kerrycampbellwrites.substack.com, or on my website at kerrycampbell.org. Thanks so much for rating, reviewing, subscribing and most importantly, sharing this podcast with a friend.  That makes a real difference in growing our community, so thanks. If you would like to support this podcast financially, there are a couple of ways for you to do that in the show notes, along with some resources related to today’s episode, so do check all of that out, but before we go, let’s pray together.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Oh God, you know we are flawed. We make mistakes, we go the wrong way, we hurt ourselves and our brothers and sisters. Help us to turn to you and your big love for us, and your mercy as we admit our failings, make our apologies, repair what we can, and then just keep moving forward with you in love. 

We pray for us and our dear ones in the name of Jesus and wrapped in the mantle of our Mother Mary, amen.

Thanks so much for listening today, friend. I’ll see you next time.

Show Notes

This week we explore the many wonderful things can happen when we’re wrong. I hope this episode is a blessing to you!

If you’d like to connect with me, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠find me on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠at my website⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, or ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠on Substack⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. If you’d like to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠help support this podcast financially⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, there’s a way to do just that ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠on my page at buymeacoffee.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠! Thanks for sharing, subscribing, rating, and reviewing, as this helps our community to grow.

Thanks as always to my friend, Peter Vaughan-Vail, for providing the beautiful harp music you hear in this and every episode.

Here are some resources to help you dig into this week’s topic on your own:

1. ⁠Video⁠: Oprah Winfrey speaks about the impact of her friend Maya Angelou’s words, “When you know better, you do better.”

2. Instagram follow: Psychologist ⁠Dr. Becky Kennedy⁠, at Good Inside

3. Podcast: ⁠Dr. Becky Kennedy on We Can Do Hard Things⁠, on the science of return and repair in relationships

4. Video: ⁠Introduction to the Japanese art of Kintsugi⁠, from CBS Sunday morning

5. Song: ⁠Anthem⁠, by Leonard Cohen

6. Song: ⁠You’re Only Human⁠, by Billy Joel